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On the margins of the “Family money – treasure or burden?” conference held by the Banque de Luxembourg in Brussels, Muriel Michel of the Belgium daily L'Echo interviewed Nicole Prieur, a philosopher and psychotherapist, and Philippe Depoorter, Family Practice Leader at Banque de Luxembourg, on the subject of family money.

By Muriel Michel

Banque de Luxembourg has developed an estate planning process to assist the young generation of wealthy families in their relationship with money. They were assisted in this endeavour by the French psychotherapists Bernard and Nicole Prieur, specialists in the psychological and relational issues involved in family wealth and authors of books on the topic of money.

Human and intangible dimensions

When high net-worth individuals think about passing on their fortunes, their first thoughts turn to tax matters. But this overlooks the human and intangible aspects involved. “Curiously, mixing the expression of emotions with money, which is taboo when talking with a “shrink” always comes out during conversations with bankers”, says Nicole Prieur. There is an entire range of issues that must be dealt with tactfully and fairly, as “money relationships structure blood relationships and can transform affective relationships. The more that money is made into a taboo, the more that relationships and affective links are undermined”.

During the estate planning process, each party begins to reflect on his position, his role, and his level of recognition within the family. “Talking about money also involves talking about many other things. Whether you want to or not, you’re opening a Pandora’s Box”, says Philippe Depoorter, a member of Banque de Luxembourg’s Executive Committee, who experiences this on a regular basis with the bank’s clients. “The beliefs, the frustrations, the resentments, and the unexpressed feelings that are passed on from generation to generation are all the cause of misunderstanding and suffering during successions.” And there is a real risk of collision with what each person has actually lived.

“Between those who give a lot, those who feel entitled to everything, and those who don’t feel they owe anything to anybody... how can everyone be treated fairly given the number of contentious factors that are hard to quantify and are even intangible” asks Nicole Prieur?

These are tough issues to address and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Moreover, the world has changed, with different values, longer lifespans, more blended families, and a hard time for young people on the job market. People no longer “wait” for their inheritance. Parents spend more and enjoy their wealth more. All in all, passing on wealth is no longer felt to be a duty.

What children want… and what parents insist on

Even so, it’s best to get ready for it and to talk about it. Young people want to have a say and to be trusted. “Options should be provided that reflect both the parents’ values and the children’s wishes. Anything having to do with money requires spelling out intentions”, says Depoorter. “The parent who gives has plans, ideas, desires and fears (often left unexpressed) in mind. Their heirs react to these on the basis of what they have actually lived and the resulting emotional burden.” Prieur goes further: “Parents give without counting to children who keep counting what they did not get” on their “subconscious calculator”. And what they “did not get” is in part things that are not quantifiable, such as gestures, attention, love and encouragement.

Balancing of accounts

To balance the family accounts once and for all, each person must accept his or her situation and “write off” what has not been done or received. Otherwise, instead of a balancing of accounts there will be a settling of accounts. So a real discussion with everything out in the open and explained is a prerequisite. The child who has always had his place in the family and who has felt recognised and valued will have less of a tendency to second-guess his parents’ choices and will be more amenable to any differences in treatment. But things aren’t always so clear-cut, and it’s best not to have any illusions. “Equality does not ensure equity”, Prieur and Depoorter insist. A peaceful and consensual environment are not guaranteed until each person is satisfied with what he/she receives and finds meaning in that.


« Balancing the family accounts requires integrating issues that are not quantifiable. »
NICOLE PRIEUR, PSYCHOTHERAPIST


Let’s take the example of a girl who receives a gift from her mother with reservation of usufruct. “If she feels that her mother has never taken an interest in her, has never supported or valued her – compared to her bother – how might she interpret such a gift? She might see it as an attempt by her mother to “make it up” to her, to compensate her for failings and hurt feelings. She might feel that the reservation of usufruct is a sign that her mother doesn’t trust her even though she may just need the gift financially!” The gift may have been genuinely meant in a good way but it could exacerbate the feeling of malaise if it is made without explanation and without placing it in its context. Some heirs eagerly squander their inheritance – money or objects that carry the “brand” of the deceased – often so they can break once and for all with painful family links”, says Nicole Prieur, citing the example of persons whose families have never accepted their difference (in sexual orientation, life choices, or career).

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